


Falling

by Loversarelosers



Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: Gen, Implied/ Referenced Eating Disorder, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 07:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loversarelosers/pseuds/Loversarelosers
Summary: Jimmy is caught in the storm.Or, Jimmy only gets worse after Kyle dies.





	Falling

—

 

It’s nearly two in the morning and the bottle of whiskey on the shelf looks an awful lot like fate.

 

The white lines on the table look a lot like cdestiny.

 

_So_ , he thinks, _it_ _is_ _what_ _it_ _is_.

 

_Get_ _over_ _it_.

 

So he does.

 

—

 

When he wakes up the next morning, he’s surprised to find that none of the bottle are open and the lines are still on the table.

 

—

 

Karen wants him to talk to people.

 

The way she says it makes it seem like she’s wants him to talk to friends.

 

‘ _Talk to people, Jimmy. Please.’_

But he knows she means actual professional people.

 

Therapy.

 

—

 

He tells Karen he’s going to therapy, but he just leaves the apartment and wanders around for hours.

 

It’s therapy, in a way.

 

—

 

Derek screams at him.

 

‘ _Do better, Jimmy.’_

_‘Act, just act.’_

Each time he says the lines he feels farther and farther away.

 

Derek might punch him soon, if he’s not careful.

 

—

 

Derek finally snaps, screaming at him in an empty room for what seems like its an eternity.

 

Jimmy doesn’t really know what was actually said.

 

—

 

Ana makes him food.

 

She cooks pasta and salads and puts them in Tupperware.

 

He thanks her.

 

His fridge is full of food.

 

—

 

He doesn’t eat any of it.

 

His ribs start to stick out.

 

—

 

Tom doesn’t talk to him.

 

_It’s_ _ok_ , Jimmy thinks.

 

_I don’t want to talk to him either._

 

—

 

He doesn’t really want to talk to anyone.

 

—

 

He finds old photos and spends hours flipping through them.

 

They are all in the before, the glorious before.

 

He didn’t know till he was in the after.

 

He wonders if Kyle ever knew.

 

—

 

He goes up to Kyle’s grave one rainy day and whispers his truth.

 

“I think I _loved_ you.”

 

It’s been a long time coming.

 

—

 

His brother comes over to talk.

 

It’s a new thing Jimmy is doing.

 

Kyle would call it _healing._

 

He calls it _getting shit together._  

—

 

Whatever it’s called, Adam still punches him and kicks him and swears at him.

 

Adam drops a baggie of coke.

 

Jimmy doesn’t know what to do with it.

 

—

 

When he shows up to rehearsal hours later, he has a black eye.

 

He’s lifted into the air and nearly passes out.

 

Everything he does is wrong.

 

Derek screams and screams and it really just sounds like noise.

 

—

 

Maybe his ribs aren’t the only thing that’s broken.

 

—

 

He gets home and cuts lines.

 

He stares at them for hours.

 

It’s Kyle’s coffee table.

 

Kyle’s credit card.

 

—

 

And yeah, it was _their_ apartment, but Jimmy has a feeling that if he took all of Kyle’s things out, it would just be a room.

 

He’s never felt more empty.

 

—

 

Adam comes back to find his stash.

 

His dismay when he finds out it’s in the garbage is expressed through fists.

 

Jimmy doesn’t know if his ribs can take this.

 

He doesn’t know anything anymore.

 

—

 

Karen sees the remnants of the white powder on the table.

 

The door shuts with a click behind her.

 

—

 

He’s sober.

 

He’s completely sober and has been for a month.

 

He doesn’t know what _this_  feeling is.

 

It’s like a drunken euphoric crash.

 

—

 

It feels an awful lot like falling.

 

—

 

Kyle’s parents don’t call or text.

 

They don’t show up.

 

Not even to the funeral.

 

Jimmy knew them.

 

—

 

He thinks he might know them better now.

 

—

 

He has to kiss Karen every single show.

 

It feels cold and awful and empty.

 

Derek bemoans the ‘ _lack of sparks_ ’.

 

—

 

Derek has no idea.

 

—

 

He bumps into a guy when he’s getting coffee.

 

The guy is sweet.

 

He’s cute and funny.

 

Jimmy gets the guy’s number.

 

—

 

It doesn’t hit him until later how much the guy looked like Kyle.

 

Maybe this is what he needs.

 

—

 

The guy’s name is Zach.

 

They’re friends.

 

Jimmy doesn’t know why his heart hurts.

 

—

 

He tells Kyle’s grave on a spring day, and the tears in his eyes dry quickly.

 

“ _I think I might be bisexual_.”

 

He doesn’t feel better.

 

—

 

He feels like he’s hurting Kyle.

 

Hurting the feelings of Kyle, somehow.

 

Like somehow falling for a guy after Kyle was just salt in the wound.

 

_Nothing has even happened with Zach._

 

He can’t tell if it’s bitterness or numbness.

 

—

 

He doesn’t think of Karen at all.

 

—

 

Zach’s eyes are the most wonderful shade of hazel.

 

His breath smells like coffee and tobacco.

 

Zach’s lips press flush against his.

 

Jimmy hasn’t felt this alive since Kyle.

 

—

 

Jimmy wakes up on the couch, surprised to find his clothes still on.

 

He’s surprised to find Zach too.

 

—

 

They take it slow.

 

Slow, warm kisses.

 

Coffee shop dates.

 

Jimmy wants to take it slow.

 

—

 

Slow enough that he can back out if he needs to.

 

But he doesn’t think he will.

 

—

 

Zach asks him about Hit List.

 

Asks him about his work, what he does.

 

Sacred territory.

 

Jimmy draws away, muttering something.

 

—

 

_How do you tell your first boyfriend that you don’t want him to see the musical you wrote with your dead friend who you just figured out you were in love with?_

_How do you tell your boyfriend the female lead in the show is your ex-girlfriend who left because she saw some of the coke on the table that your abusive brother left?_

_How do you tell your boyfriend you also did hardcore drugs?_

You don’t.

 

—

 

Zach sees Hit List.

 

Jimmy puts his all into the performance.

 

Every single thing he has.

 

Zach says he loves it.

 

—

 

Jimmy is pretty sure he’s telling the truth.

 

Nobody but Kyle has ever looked at him like that.

 

—

 

The Hit List cast go out to a bar.

 

He joins tentatively.

 

He gets a Club soda with lime.

 

He doesn’t know why he’s feeling so dizzy until hands wrap around him.

 

—

 

He wakes up in some strangers bed, stomach churning.

 

He can’t find his clothes.

 

—

 

Everything is fine.

 

Zach is going to come home soon.

 

They can talk about it.

 

_Healing_.

 

Zach doesn’t come home.

 

Not for hours.

 

—

 

Zach had a heart attack, the nurses from the hospital says.

 

He’s dead.

 

Jimmy puts down the phone.

 

—

 

Jimmy takes a shower.

 

He’s not clean.

 

Maybe this is Karma.

 

Maybe it counted as cheating on Zach.

 

—

 

He watches the bloody water run down the drain.

 

Maybe he’s a shitty person.

 

—

 

He doesn’t show up for work the next day.

 

He walks to the small pier he and Kyle would hang out at.

 

It’s just about ten P.M.

 

He leans over the railing.

 

—

 

Strong arms wrap around his freezing body and pull him close.

 

He wants to cry.

 

—

 

He sits in the apartment full of Kyle things.

 

Derek sits next to him.

 

Derek says something about a hospital.

 

Jimmy wants to throw up.

 

—

 

He doesn’t need the hospital.

 

He’s fine.

 

—

 

Derek tells him to eat.

 

It’s been a while since he’s eaten much at all.

 

He’s never felt this weak, not even on drugs.

 

Derek stares at him worriedly.

 

—

 

He doesn’t eat and Derek doesn’t scream at him.

 

Derek does something worse.

 

Derek calls everyone.

 

—

 

Ana runs her fingers through his hair.

 

He’s lying on the couch now, shivering.

 

He hadn’t noticed how cold he is.

 

He needs to puke.

 

—

 

He stands up and blacks out for a few seconds, and when his eyes open, everyone is staring at him in worry.

 

He opens his mouth to say he’s fine and promptly passes out.

 

—

 

He wakes up in a hospital bed, hooked up to tubes.

 

Everyone is there.

 

Derek and Karen and Ana and Julia and Tom and Sam.

 

He closes his eyes.

 

—

 

He wonders if they’ll stay.

 

—

 

When he wakes up next, a doctor is there.

 

There are words like ‘ _severely_ _anemic_ ’ and ‘ _blood_ _transfusion_ ’.

 

And then the doctor says ‘ _sexual_ _assault_ ’ and he freaks.

 

He can’t do this.

 

—

 

He wishes Kyle was here to hold his hand.

 

—

 

Derek is the one appointed to talk to him, apparently.

 

It’s awkward and quiet and awful when he sits down.

 

It’s even more awful when Derek starts crying.

 

Jimmy never wanted this.

 

—

 

He tells Derek about Zach.

 

Derek looks even more sad now.

 

—

 

Ana tries to make him eat.

 

The feeding tube they have him on now is god-awful.

 

The bruises on his torso are just starting to fade.

 

He stares at the wall.

 

—

 

They talk about rape and then he really does throw up.

 

He hasn’t cried in a long time.

 

—

 

This time he actually does go to therapy.

 

He’s on Suicide watch, now.

 

So the therapist comes in and they talk.

 

He starts to feel like he’s not in control.

 

—

 

Maybe that’s ok.

 

—

 

When he’s released from the hospital he goes to Zach’s funeral.

 

He wears black jeans and a black jacket and stands alone in the pew.

 

The music plays.

 

The funeral feels an awful lot like Kyle’s.

 

—

 

But then again, maybe all funerals do.

 

—

 

He quits Hit List.

 

Derek assures him that he always has a place there, if he wants it.

 

He assures Derek that he won’t need it.

 

—

 

He closes his bank account.

 

—

 

He sells most of his things.

 

Even Kyle’s furniture.

 

It’s not Kyle, no matter how much it reminds Jimmy of him.

 

He needs to figure it out.

 

—

 

He drops the envelope on his bed.

 

When he closes the door it feels like a goodbye.

 

—

 

Kyle wouldn’t have wanted this.

 

Kyle would have wanted Jimmy to live a full life.

 

But maybe Jimmy had been ignoring want Kyle wanted for most of his life.

 

No one ever said that Jimmy Collins was a good person anyway.

 

—

 

When he opens his eyes again Kyle is there.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
